If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood


Badass mosquito of bloodsucking death
If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood

Look at him, confident his race will prevail against the humans.
Hideous sadistic insect.
I fucking hate mosquitoes.
They ruin everything.

Forced blood donation takers gotta ruin all bonfires and outdoor social gatherings in the world from the east to the west.
North and south folk don’t know how lucky they really are.
May all mosquitoes get ruled by the fire lightning of God or change their diet to FLIES ONLY.
That would solve the fly problem too.
Kind of like an added bonus.

Staying up so late that everything becomes funny

Midnight is long gone.

Maybe you’re crowded around a kitchen table pasting construction paper onto poster board, squirreled into sleeping bags on a cold basement floor, or drinking cold coffee and leaning over laptops before tomorrow’s big deadline.

Either way, it’s time to face facts: you’re up way too late.

Staying up so late that everything becomes funny clear
Staying up so late that everything becomes funny clear

Your eyes burn a bit, your head spaces out, random arms or legs starts throbbing, and maybe your scalp gets really, really, really, really itchy. Point is, you’ve ignored your body’s Go to Sleep signals for hours so now you’re hunched over a walking stick squinting deep into the foggy darkness of four, five, six in the morning.

The good news is your brain has developed just the system to charge you up with extra juice and help you power through. Yes, we’re talking about massively lowered Standards of Hilarity which help make everything funny. Someone steps on Styrofoam Jupiter, kicks a can of Coke onto the pizza, or accidentally deletes the Powerpoint slides, and suddenly everyone looks up at each other with tired raccoon eyes and… just starts cracking up.

Late night laughing is a beautiful moment because we’re letting ourselves stand up and step back from whatever’s keeping us up. Gone are the stresses of the group project, hanging dread of the deadline, and tensions tying us together. Now the differences dissolve and we realize we’re all part of the same Bleary Eyed Giggling clan — telling bad jokes, laughing till it hurts, and smiling till sunrise.

Picking things up with your feet

Embrace your inner monkey.
Dirty crumpled socks, dropped Doritos, rogue pen caps: We see you there. Yes, we see you right in the crosshairs of our toes and we’re about to scoop you up with a good old fashioned foot scrunch.
Bending over is overrated.
Picking things up with your feet is AWESOME!

Picking up things with your feet
Picking up things with your feet

Bending over is overrated.
Picking things up with your feet is AWESOME!

Finally peeing after holding it forever

Finally peeing after holding it forever
Finally peeing after holding it forever

It didn’t used to be this way.
For hundreds of thousands of years our species peed freely, whenever, wherever. Yes, whether we were roaming jungles, crossing ice bridges, or having picnics in plains, it wasn’t always pretty but when nature called, we answered.
Things are different now.
Most of the time our bladders are all locked up.
Yes, with our stadium seating, boardroom meetings, kid’s soccer games, and smooth highway lanes, the one thing we didn’t build in was an easy way to clear some leaves and squat in the corner. Honestly, how many times have you been looking for parking and circling the lot, waiting for a movie to wrap up the plot, or just fumbling with keys so you can race to the pot?
Listen, I’ve been there too. Yes, it’s always a tight squeeze, with bouncing knees, and gritted teeth, but we accept this tradeoff in exchange for living in our bright and modern World of Pants. And a world where everybody wears pants is great, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that it cramps our style sometimes.
That’s why finally peeing after holding it forever feels so great. It’s like millions of years of animalistic need bursting through the chains and restraints of modern social norms. It’s the bathroom equivalent of a primal scream and it feels oh so incredibly
AWESOME!

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